Looking back, it seems incredible that our whole society was taken in by The Great Jaywalking Crisis of the early 21st century. Although jaywalking had always been illegal, psychologists realized that the behavior was a symptom of a deeper pathology since almost all sexual predators, sociopaths, and terrorists had a history of jaywalking. The aberrant behavior of jaywalking was labeled katamarching. So now not only was jaywalking wrong, it was the sick behavior of katamarchism.
Those who claimed katamarchism was nothing but ordinary jaywalking were labeled deniers. Since 97% of psychologists believed in the insidious dangers of katamarching, the science was settled.
As katamarchism became more evident, the media leapt into the fray. The internet displayed graphs showing the growth of katamarchism. Math experts pointed out exponential growth increases forever and ever faster. Our cities were about to be inundated with katamarchers. When scientists applied the random walk theory to katamarchism, they showed that the streets would be so filled with katamarchers that straight walkers would no longer be able to cross the streets. Pedestrian traffic would be a Brownian motion tangle. As Paul Ehrlich said in The Population Bomb, “The streets seemed alive with people . . . People, people, people, people.”
Activists jumped on the katamarchism bandwagon, yet the matter soon divided along liberal versus conservative lines. Conservatives who favored social order supported the campaign against katamarchism; while liberals who supported fairness and equality for all called the campaign a vendetta against individual liberty. There were marches, demonstrations, and protests for and against katamarchism. When jaywalking mothers were seen leading their children across streets, the anti-katamarchists cried, “They recruit, save our children!” Slogans multiplied. “This is the last year we have to stop katamarchism.” “Katamarchism threatens the American family,” “Katamarchism is a human right.”
Those with katamarching tendencies learned to exercise their proclivities in the dark. However, when a katamarcher was caught, he was held by the police until he named others of his ilk. It turned out there were more katamarchers than anyone expected. These deviants were infiltrating American institutions. They had to be ferreted out and removed.
An obscure Congressman from an obscure state used the campaign against katamarchism to further his political career. His committee forced people to answer questions such as, “Are you now or have you ever been a jaywalker?” If they lied, they were liable for prosecution for perjury; if they told the truth, they were liable for prosecution for katamarchism.
Lives were ruined. Katamarchers lost their jobs, became poverty stricken. They congregated in homeless camps where they didn’t use electricity, own much, drive cars, or heat their dwellings. They used little water because they didn’t flush toilets or wash their clothes or bodies often.
Radical environmentalists understood that the homeless live lightly on the earth. These elites joined the conservatives in the campaign to rid the world of katamarchers, thus forcing more people into poverty, thereby saving the planet for their own grandchildren.
Eventually, people crossed streets as the situation required, which led to a workable balance of freedom and order. Fears of katamarchism faded away as did the fears of Y2K, nuclear winter, eugenic degradation, and New York’s and London’s streets being buried in horse manure.